Live-Blogging: 77th Academy Awards (Oscar Blog)
8:20 - The show hasn't started yet, obviously, but I'm already in front of the television with my ballot sheet in hand. We'll see how far I go in the family pool this year. I feel quite confident a lot of the pics, generally.
I wonder if Chris Rock can handle the pressure of hosting tonight. It can ruin people. Look at Letterman. He never recovered after his mediocre job hosting, and he's one of my favorite show-biz personalities. I'm convinced that's why Leno and other high-profile host-type people have stayed at arms length from the Oscars. We'll see what Chris Rock can do...
8:30 - I can't believe they make all those people clap while the ads are going on the screen. It must be dubbed in.
8:35 - I'm not a huge fan of this montage. And I LOVE montages. That's weird. Maybe because they're playing it on 49 small screens and showing people watching it. Dustin Hoffman, end it. Shrek and Chaplin, not hot.
8:36 - Cue P-Diddy looking uncomfortable.
8:38 - All the actors are laughing uncomfortably because they're worried they're going to get made fun of next. Classic Chris Rock standup: repeat one line OVER and OVER.
8:43 - That's right, everyone, clap politely for the troops in your $2,000 gowns.
8:44 - So in this new "speedy" Oscar plan, nominees in "uninteresting categories" stand on stage and the winner steps forward to accept.
8:45 - Art Direction. I picked Aviator. Winner - Aviator. My roommate just remarked, "Oh, right, I forgot the Oscars are boring..." 1/1
8:50 - Supporting Actor. A weak category this year. I picked Morgan Freeman. If he doesn't win I'll punch something. This man is one of the best supporting actors in this decade, and he hasn't won yet. Also, Lloyd from Wings will never win an Oscar. Winner - Morgan Freeman. Damn straight. 2/2
A well-deserved standing o for Morgan. And a short and sweet speech to boot.
8:51 - Great Pepsi parody of Sparticus.
8:57 - Animated Feature. Obviously picked The Incredibles. Only Shrek 2 came close, and it was not close. Winner - The Incredibles. 3/3
Cue first "forgetting to mention people" joke in speech. Although, I NEED that Incredibles Pin this guy has on his lapel. That is hot shit.
9:00 - If Chris Rock keeps making "the black version of _____" jokes, this audience is going to be more uncomfortable than whatever bombshell they hired to give out the nerd awards that they show on tape later.
9:02 - Makeup. I picked The Passion of The Christ. Oops. Lemony Snicket won. I haven't seen the film, but I was pretty sure that no makeup could be more important than that in Passion. Oh well. 3/4
9:05 - Choirboys don't sit and sing. What the hell do these people know? Whoever blocked this song is an idiot. Choirboys stand straight. Trust me, I know. Good God, Beyonce is attractive.
9:08 - I wonder what happens at the Oscars during commercial? Is it like a Pro or Division IA sport during a TV timeout, where you just sit in palpable silence because the stadium doesn't feel the need to entertain you even though it's the 12th timeout in the last 10 minutes? I am fairly confident, however, that the Kodak theater doesn't sell the stadium nachos with the plastic cheese. Too bad, that stuff is good.
9:12 - This "real people" Oscar segment at a theater somewhere else was pretty good. You always have to thank Harvey Weinstein.
9:14 - The NERD AWARDS! Scarlet Johansen was who they had host it. And...yes, yes she looked uncomfortable there! God, this is too easy. I love the acceptance speeches. "I make crane. I'm happy crane work well."
9:17 - Costume Design. I picked Aviator. Hollywood loves its own Golden Age. Edna Mode. Love her. Then again, period English costumes are always a good pick for the Oscar. This might be tougher than I thought. Winner - Aviator. That's right, bitches. I'm on. 4/5
9:19 - Great jab at Tim Robbins: "When he's not impressing us with his acting, he's boring us with his politics."
9:21- Supporting Actress. I picked Virginia Madsen. Blanchett would have been the obvious choice, and even though I thought she did a great job, it was still an imitation. For some reason I can't dig imitations. Madson is one of my upset picks tonight. Could be a tough choice. Winner - Blanchett. This is definitely one of those "oops, of course I should have picked her" categories. 4/6
9:25 - Jim Gaffigan! Yes! He'd kick Michael Ian Black's ass any day.
9:30 - Documentary Feature. I picked Born Into Brothels The only one I saw was Super Size me, which was good, but I figured the "pop documentary" phase was over now and it was time to get back to serious documentaries. Winner - Born Into Brothels. My roommate thinks this chick looks like a female Adrian Brody. 5/7
9:32 - "Please welcome Kirsten Dundst and Orlando Bloom." Worst sentence ever.
9:33 - Editing. I picked Million Dollar Baby. The academy likes editing in boxing movies. Winner - Aviator. Why does The Academy always think that "most editing" means "best editing"? Oh, right, because The Academy is made up of actors who are stupid. 5/8
9:35 - Counting Crows. I can honestly say I didn't think I'd ever see them playing on TV again after 1996. Apparently I was wrong. Come on, boys, just slip into a little "Mr. Jones" while you're up there. For the kids...
9:42 - Hahaha, get it? Chris Rock is a man, but he's reading Catherine Zeta Jones' words. She's really sexy and hot. He's a man. Hahaha. Wow. Not funny.
9:45 - Adapted Screenplay. I chose Sideways. A very smart script, a great film, and it should get SOMETHING tonight even after being overshadowed by the big-money movies. Million Dollar Baby could get this one, however. Winner - Sideways. Back on track. 6/9
9:47 - Visual Effects. Nerd award! I picked Spiderman 2. I think it's a lot harder to make visual effects that look real and are based in this world, rather than fantasy creatures and futuristic robots. Also: Spidey flying around the city is pretty cool. Winner - Spiderman 2. Woah, he's one of those weird, awkward, joking nerds. 7/10
9:49 - Mickey Rooney's skin is slowly collapsing into his seat. They won't be able to get him out.
9:50 - Honorary Oscar. Sidney Lumet. 12 Angry Men and Network are quite enough on their own to win him this award. Not to mention Dog Day Afternoon. This montage should be great. Roomie: "Maybe they shouldn't have ended the montage on Vin Diesel." Lumet: "I'd like to thank the movies." I like that. Not as much as I like Lumet's daughters and their shamelessly fake breasts, though.
10:04 - Why do I want a Dyson vacuum cleaner so badly? I vacuum like five times a year.
10:05 - Emmy Rossum, don't fall! I would make a comment about her looks, but I just made one about Lumet's daughters, and one more would put me at my quota for the past 20 minutes.
10:06 - Beyonce sings her second song of the night. She probably should have sung Accidentally In Love instead of Counting Crows, too. Roomie: "All the phantoms who are independent, throw your masks up at me..." I can't believe Beyonce is younger than me. I'm old.
10:10 - Live Action Short. I haven't seen any of these films. I picked Everything In This Country Must. I liked the title because it didn't finish its sentence. Winner - Wasp. Oh well. Should have aimed for brevity. It was a live action short, after all. 7/11
10:12 - Animated Short. I haven't seen these either. No one does. It's not my fault. I picked Birthday Boy because the stills I saw online looked cool, and because my birthday is coming up soon. Winner - Ryan. Crap. I'm falling apart here. 7/12
10:15 - Cinematography. I actually thought Passion of the Christ has the best cinematography, but I picked Aviator because I'm a pussy. Winner - Aviator. Being a pussy isn't so bad, I guess. This guy is weird and creepy. 8/13
10:16 - I can't tell you how much I am LOVING the soft orchestral version of the Terminator 2 theme right now as we go to commercial.
10:20 - Thankfully by the time Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayak got up here my 20 minute window had shifted and I was under quota. I can't believe I'm watching them right now, together. I love them.
10:22 - Sound Mixing. Picked The Aviator. It was loud and there was lots of crashing and planes. Winner - Ray. I suppose they had a lot of music in that movie, and that music had to be mixed. Tough loss. My ratio is getting harsh. 8/14
10:24 - What, they're still on!? I can't handle this! I'm looking away because I'm so amazingly smitten.
10:25 - Sound Editing. I picked Spiderman 2. I don't know why. I liked Incredibles more, even though Spiderman 2 was leagues better than its predecessor. Winner - Incredibles. Damn, I suck. I am quickly plummeting to 50% accuracy. 8/15
10:26 - Salma, just get off stage. Get off. Stop sticking your breasts in my face and shoving your wonderful accent in my ears. No, don't translate! Just get off stage!
10:27 - Wait, so Beyonce isn't going to perform the spanish song as well? What the hell? Antonio can't sing. And he's not as good looking as Beyonce. (I am about 8 references to attractive women over my quota now. Damnit.)
10:35 - Documentary Short. Natalie Portman: "I applaud them" except she didn't applaud. I picked Autism Is a World in a category that can pretty much be summed up as "what is the most heartbreaking true story we can tell". Winner - Mighty Times. I am down to fifty percent. I am worthless. 8/16
10:30 - Roomie: "John Travolta, how can one botch a third comeback?"
10:40 - Original Score. I didn't really like any of the scores I heard this year, so I picked one that I didn't. Finding Neverland. Winner - Finding Neverland. Back over 50%, baby. 9/17
10:45 - Humanitarian Award. What? This exists? Ok.
10:48 - Film Eulogy. Yo Yo Ma. There is no sarcastic quip to make now. He's too good.
10:51 - Somehow I got through that entire segment without a surprise "Wait, he/she died!? No way!"
10:56 - Yes! Beyonce should win an award for most Oscar songs sung. Josh Groban should win an award for worst person ever.
11:01 - Best Song. I honestly loved Learn To Be Lonely the most, just as a song. I don't know what else could win. Counting Crows should not win an Oscar. The spanish song sucked. Choirboys don't sit down, damnit. Winner - Al Otro Lado Del Rio. Please, that song blew. His acceptance song was better than the one he won for. 9/18
11:04 - Best Actress. If Hilary Swank doesn't win, I'll be furious. Granted, I haven't seen some of the other films, and I'm sure they're great, but come on. Perhaps the crazy PR campaigns for her and Bening will screw both of them. Winner - Hilary Swank. Absolutely well-deserved. I mean, she made me cry. Annette Bening is pissed. Crappy speech, but what are you going to do? 10/19
11:12 - Blind Justice looks like the stupidest premise for a tv show in the last...month.
11:14 - Foreign Language Film. I didn't see these. I picked The Sea Inside. I don't know why. Winner - The Sea Inside. A little luck never hurt anyone. 11/20
11:17 - Original Screenplay. I picked Eternal Sunshine because honestly, it was one of the most innovative scripts I've seen on screen in a long time and Charley Kaufman is long overdue for this. Winner - Eternal Sunshine. "I don't want to take my time, I want to get off the stage." Classic. 12/21
11:20 - Ah, it was about time for a McDonald's commercial about the hilarity of teenage motherhood. I am now waiting for the Coors Light commercial that shows how funny it is to drop out of high school.
11:23 - Best Actor. Smart money is on Jamie Foxx for Ray. It was pretty much an imitation, and parts of the performance was pretty good. Clint was, as usual, unbelievable. DiCaprio was fine, he serviced the movie, but he didn't make the movie. I picked the smart money because I'm a loser. Winner - Jamie Foxx. Not a surprise. Foxx: "Thank you Ray Charles, for living." Can't go wrong with that, I suppose. Oprah just gave a "power to the people" fist to someone off camera. 13/22
11:34 - Best Director. I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. Clint Eastwood deserves this because he did the best job. Scorsese could win it because he is Scorsese. I picked Clint. Winner - Clint Eastwood. I can't believe Clint Eastwood's mom is still alive and is there. He really has the best movie in the field, and if Scorsese wants to win this he needs to start directing movies like he used to. 14/23
11:38 - Best Picture. It would be a shock if The Aviator won this one now. With all the big awards going to Million Dollar Baby, it seems like it's in the cards. I picked Baby because I loved it. Winner - Million Dollar Baby. This is the right choice, but I have to admit that now I'm kind of pissed off because it means that the film will be in theaters longer, which then means I'll have to wait longer to buy it on DVD. I'll have to go see it a second time in theaters. 13/24
Last Words - It was a good, speedy show. Chris Rock did a fine job, but didn't really blow my socks off. I'm coming out of this show feeling exactly the opposite of what I did last year when I smoldered each time Lord of the Rings won another award. The Academy actually recognized the best film, not the most glitzy film.
Final tally: 13/24. Not great. Not enough for me to win, unless everyone else picked while drunk.
And, as the credits roll, what Oscar telecast would be complete without a THIRD reprise of the Terminator 2 theme, done in a soft orchestral manner.