Rear Window Ethics Rear Window Ethics: U.S. Congress: "All Sports All The Time!"

Thursday, March 10, 2005

U.S. Congress: "All Sports All The Time!"

Look out, ESPN! House Resolution 10894 today stated that from now on the United States Congress is going to focus solely on sports and nothing but sports. In the wake of a much publicized battle over baseball steroid use, members of the House committee investigating the abuse called for widespread reform throughout all of America's major professional sports.

"Our elite athletic organizations, both professional and amateur, should establish uniform, world-class, drug-testing standards that are as consistent and robust as our criminal laws in this area [...] Nothing less should be tolerated."

Another committee spokesman chimed in:

"House rules give this committee the authority to investigate any matter at any time, and we are authorized to request or compel testimony and document production related to any investigation."

Not to be outdone, today the US Senate Commerce Committee approved legislation to establish a commission to oversee health and safety rules for boxing. Tomorrow they hope to tackle WWE wrestling, and with any luck, they will corner the market on ESPN 2's Pool and Poker tournaments.

Members of the House, intent to stick with more mainstream sports, issued a statement applauding the recent NBA All-Star Slam Dunk Contest as one of the best in recent years.

Several members of Congress have also raised the possibility of building luxury boxes inside the chamber of the House of Representatives to create revenue from such "hot ticket events" as the annual State of the Union address as well as any other joint-session gatherings.

By mimicking the financial success of newer sports stadiums and arenas, they believe they can chip away at the national deficit by both gearing ticket sales for more affluent clients, as well as by raising the price of hot dogs, pretzels and soda.

No word yet on when cheerleader auditions will begin for House and Senate chambers, or whether C-SPAN will begin covering the coming MLB season with its traditional "one angle" camera style.

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A Senate committee has been established to audition potential cheerleaders to begin pep rallies after spring recess.

(...It's not like they have anything more important to do on The Hill...)